Friday, November 4, 2011

Legitimate writer status: Achieved!

So over the summer, one of my projects was to write and submit a story for the second Machine of Death anthology (www.machineofdeath.net). It was a great experience for a (still young) writer - I had never edited a story to that degree, or indeed really shown one to other people. Boy, was that terrifying. Fear of rejection is the main thing that's kept me back from pursuing these creative things (and more than a few other things in life), so it was really difficult to hand it off to other people and accept criticism of it.

Overall, I think it turned out well, but could have used some work. Still, I'm proud of the end result, and was (yes) a little disappointed when I got the e-mail this morning that it didn't make the anthology. With 1,958 submissions and only 30 stories chosen, it doesn't surprise me. The best part is, this doesn't bother me - it's just motivating me to try again. It was a form letter, and I'm not sure if this was their only rejection letter, but it does also include reassurance that a lot of the stories we're great but they don't have room in the anthology. Apparently my story is still in consideration for possible future projects, but we'll have to see on that one. It'll probably take a while.

Smiling after getting a rejection is a little odd, I suppose. But it's not like I really expected to hit it right straight out of the gate. Writers are supposed to suffer - it's where we get our best material. :-) One thing about this really stressful semester is that I'm discovering what I really miss about having free time, and I love writing. I love creating in many senses, but writing, creating worlds, characters, stories, may just be my favorite. My dad mentioned to me last night one of the story ideas I came up with in sixth grade. There's still potential there. And my other characters all keep growing with me.

Step one, survive this semester. Step two, figure out what I'm doing next year. After that, I should have free time again. I'm missing NaNoWriMo again, since school and marching band take up too much of my time, but maybe next year will be better. And if I start planning now... :-) For now, maybe I'll get a picture or two together for the MoD evidence photo contest. And maybe do some homework.

For those interested, the full story is after the jump. Enjoy, and let me know what you think! I welcome any constructive criticism and would love to keep improving. (Basic background to the anthology can be found at the MoD website, link above.)


IN FLAMES

                The lights, as usual, are dazzling, nearly blinding me as I stride out into the ring. I smile and wave at my adoring fans, their screams and cheers filling my ears. I calmly untie the loose, white silk robe, let it fall from my shoulders and hand it to my assistant, leaving myself wearing only flame-red silk pants. A cheer from the women – I make a show of not acknowledging them. Next, I tie my shoulder-length blonde hair into a ponytail and open the metal box before me, wondering if this is the day that I will die.
                The poi immediately light with a satisfying whoosh and the crowd collectively gasps as I pick up the handles and begin to spin. The lights slowly lower to accentuate the light from the flames swinging on their ropes around me. The fire circles me in mesmerizing patterns as I twist, the flames coming near, just close enough to lick at my skin, tantalizing in their warmth. The crowd falls into a silence, lulled by the primitive fascination with fire that we all still share. I increase the complexity of the patterns, five beat, eight beat, and the crowd springs to life again, cheering me on. Cheering me on as I defy death – my death.
                Every night I dance with the fire, with fate, the music swelling behind me, the crowd screaming its adoration until I’m spinning in such a frenzy of primitive power that it seems I cannot stop – but every night I do. Each one so far, that is.
                “Give it up everyone, for the amazing IN FLAMES!” cries the announcer in the showman’s voice that has not much changed through the ages. I bow, again and again, the flames snuffed out in the metal box. My assistant brings my robe again, and I reach into the pocket as I exit the ring, my fingers sliding over the white card from which I get my name. The card that tells me how I’m going to die.

* * *

                Every night I perform goes like that, and this one had been no different. I returned to my dressing room after mingling, posing for pictures, and signing autographs to my manager’s content. With a sigh, I sank into my chair, picking up a washcloth and bowl of water to wipe the sweat off my skin. The cool water was a welcome change from the heat of the flames and the crowd. After a few minutes, I heard three soft knocks on my door.
                “Come on in,” I called out, rewetting the washcloth and beginning on my shoulders. I saw in the mirror a beautiful woman, who was both my manager and ringside assistant, still in her white leotard with sequined flame motifs. She took the washcloth and began wiping down my back. “Good show tonight, huh?”
                “Of course dear,” she replied with a smile, leaning down to kiss my neck. “It always is. Dazzling the crowd, enchanting the ladies…” She trailed off and arched an eyebrow at me, her full red lips twitching as she tried to conceal her smirk. I hooked an arm around her waist and pulled her into my lap in response.
                “I’ve got the only woman I’ll ever need,” I responded, turning on the charm full-blast as I leaned into her for a deep kiss. Manager, assistant, and wife. We make a good team.
                She laughed, a dark, resonant sound that makes me fall more in love with her whenever I hear it. Her hand strayed to her stomach as it often had in the past few months and she frowned. “Either I’m gonna need a different outfit or you’re going to need a new assistant for a bit.”
                “Well, we both know that I can’t have an obviously pregnant woman driving down the sex appeal of my show.”
                She crosses her arms and arches that eyebrow again, “Oh, you’re saying I don’t have sex appeal?”
                “Only to the men dragged along by the women who are fawning over me,” I casually reply, flipping my hair over my shoulder.
                “You’re horrible, you know that?” she replied, wrapping her arms around my neck for another kiss.
                “In the best possible way.”

* * *

                Daredevilry started to go out of vogue with the advent of the Machine. When everybody knew how they were going to die and became obsessed with avoiding it, stunts weren’t so exciting anymore. When a guy who’s been jumping motorcycles over cliffs his whole life draws CANCER, nobody’s impressed anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore how much skill it takes – that’s not how he dies, so the audience grows bored.
                It makes me think of the Roman gladiators. At the beginning of the match, they address the emperor: “We who are about to die salute you!” They knew how they were going to die – in the ring. That’s what gave me the idea. I was one of the first in a new line of daredevils – those who tempt the very death foretold in our blood.
                The machine wasn’t new when I started. I’d been tested at birth, a normal practice for babies. My grandfather tells stories of the days when the Machine first hit doctor’s offices, the way people did crazy things to avoid their death and died in crazier ways. By the time I graduated high school, things had calmed down a bit. People on the whole weren’t quite okay with death yet, but they didn’t go as far out of their way to avoid it.
                When a friend of mine in college first spun poi for me, using glowsticks on the ends of two strings, I was transfixed, and I knew then and there that it was my calling. He looked at me like I was crazy when I asked him to teach me. It took some coaxing, since he didn’t want to be responsible for my death. I started small – from socks to glowsticks, and, eventually, to fire. It’s actually very calming – the rhythm is soothing and there’s such an ancient, primitive power to fire that it’s captivating. And every time I douse the flame at the end, there’s that thrill that I cheated death for another day.
                I started small, with outdoor exhibitions around campus. It was my friend who thought of using my death card for advertising. My parents called, fretting over it. Worrying that I was throwing my life away, my career, my education. It wasn’t until they saw me perform for the first time that they started to understand why I would want to do it. Though I’m still not sure how much my mother actually saw through the gaps between her fingers.

* * *

                I smile at the memory of those days as I look at my reflection in my dressing room mirror. I go through the simple motions of getting ready for a show, trying to trace back what brought me to this moment.

* * *

                I met Karen after one of my shows senior year. The tall brunette immediately caught my eye when she walked up like she already owned the place.
                “Hi, I’m Karen. Business and marketing major. I think you’ve got some serious potential.”
                “I’m Connor. English and History major, with a minor in death-defying stunts,” I replied with a wry smile, meeting her handshake.
                “Pleased to meet you.” Her slight grin was her only response to my joke. She waved a hand around at my makeshift setup, complete with multiple fire extinguishers. “Were you thinking of taking this act on the road?”
                “Well, I’d certainly love to be able to. Care to discuss it over dinner?”
                She smiled and slipped me a card. “You can pick me up at 8.”
                Maybe that confidence stood out. Perhaps it just grew because of the proximity our business arrangement leant us. Whatever it was, I fell for her fast and hard. It wasn’t until a few months later, though, that I really understood that fate meant for us to be together. We had been out for dinner and dancing and she came back to my apartment for drinks. On our third bottle, she swirled the wine in her glass and looked at me.
“FIRE,” she said, simply.
                “Um, yes… that’s what I do. Spin fire around, maybe you remember?”
                “No, silly,” she giggled, reaching into her pocket to produce a white card with block black lettering: FIRE. “Fire. ‘S how I die. Isn’t that funny?”
                “If you die in a fire what are you doing hanging around a guy who spins it around his head for a living?”
                “If you die IN FLAMES, what are you doing spinning fire around your head in the first place?”
                “Touché.”
                She put her glass down on the table and leaned in close to me. “Maybe I like the danger. Maybe it’s because when I’m with you, it just doesn’t matter how much time we have left.” And with that, she moved forward and we shared the first of many kisses to come.

* * *

                In the next year, Karen proved herself to be an invaluable partner in the show. She critiqued my routines, booked venues, sweet-talked theatre managers and fire inspectors, and drove the marketing.
                “Your name is a brand,” she used to tell me, “and we have to sell it.” She organized photo shoots, charity appearances, interviews, even entertaining for birthday parties. We clocked more than forty hours for most weeks that first year, and I knew I couldn’t have kept up the discipline without her. The passion that she’d brought into my life was matched only by the adrenaline rush I found through spinning.
                One night, about a year in, she dozed on my shoulder after a long day of rehearsals and meetings. It was a night like so many others that we had shared, but it sticks out in my mind because it was in that moment that I decided to ask her to marry me. After two months of preparation – mainly covertly shopping for a ring and steeling my nerves – I told her I was going bar-hopping with a couple of friends and went instead to her parents’ house to get their permission.
                I unlocked the door to our small apartment, one sweaty hand clasping the small box in my jacket pocket. As I kicked off my shoes, Karen jumped up off the couch and ran towards me. Before I could even say hello, she slapped me across the face. I stared at her stony expression for a split second before she burst into tears and hugged me.
                “Oh Connor, I thought something had happened to you!”
                “I’m fine, dear,” I responded, confused, putting my arms around her.
                She pulled away abruptly. “I thought you died.”
                “What?”
                Karen pointed to the television, which was showing a news story about a downtown bar that had caught fire earlier that night.
                “Oh.”
                “I’ve been calling you for hours. And your friends. How is it that none of you picked up?”
                I panicked for a second as I reviewed my friends’ death cards in my mind: nothing about fire, they were likely fine. Hopefully.
                “We’re all fine. My phone battery died. We must have been at McCarthy’s on the other side of town.”
                Karen just shook her head and went back to the couch, picking up the pillow she was hugging when I came in. I sat down next to her, but she turned away and buried her face in the pillow.
                “Karen, I’m sorry.” She still didn’t respond. I knew that I should just come clean and tell her where I’d been, but somehow it didn’t seem like the right moment in which to propose. I was at a loss for words for a minute before finally giving up. “Karen, I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen you like this.”
                Slowly, she lifted her head out of the pillow and sighed. “Connor, I’m good with people. I’m good at reading how to market to them, how to get what I want out of them. I can charm almost anybody – I’m good at my job. But I’m not good at losing people. I’m not good at being alone. I knew that I could let myself fall in love with you because our cards are the same. We could die in the same fire. And then I wouldn’t be left behind.”
                “You told me once that it doesn’t matter how much time we have left –”
                “Yes, because I’ve been entertaining this fantasy that we’ll burn together.”
                I wrapped my arms around her. “And we may yet. But what matters now is that I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.”
                She pulled back slightly and looked up at me, tears filling her brown eyes. Her lip quivered as she said, “I just can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
                At that moment, I knew the time was right. I slid off the couch onto one knee, pulling the box out of my jacket pocket. As I opened the box, I asked her, “I want to be with you for the rest of our lives – to hold you close as we meet our fate. Karen, will you marry me?”

* * *

                I brush away a tear as I pace around the dressing room, watching the clock count down the seconds until my performance. I have never again gotten quite as nervous as that day, but I am coming close now.

* * *

                As my show gained popularity, moving from fairgrounds to opening for other acts, eventually into legitimate theatres, I was approached by other fire spinners. Most of them had cards that nothing to do with fire at all, so they couldn’t get booked on the daredevil card. I began to build my show into an ensemble of fire spinners and performers, in homage to that primitive power that I’m utterly fixated on. But I always remained the final act, the pièce de résistance.
                Truth be told, it would be pretty hard for me to die while spinning. But crazier things have happened in the wake of the Machine. People have started to come to terms with knowing how they’re going to die, but we are still fixated on it. No matter how much people try to avoid their foreseen death, it tracks them down. Anybody else spinning is just a cool spectacle; when I spin, it’s the possibility that something will go horribly wrong that keeps my audiences coming. Morbid, but it pays the bills.


* * *

                I will never forget the day that Karen told me we were going to have a baby. I couldn’t believe it. I hugged her like I would never let go and kissed her with more passion than our wedding night. That night I held her as we lay in bed side by side, my arm around her, resting on her stomach.
                “A baby. Our baby.” I said for the thousandth time that night.
                “Yes,” she sighed, nuzzling closer into my body.
                “Do you think he’ll be blonde? Or will she get your eyes?”
                She laughed. “I have no more of a way of knowing than you.”
                “Names, we have to start thinking of names!”
                “Oh, we’ve got time to figure that out,” she murmured, hugging me.
                “Well what about your brains? Or my… my… “
                “Way with words?” she suggested.
              “Exactly. Maybe that’s the next president, or maybe he’ll invent something. Karen, this kid could change the world!”
                “Connor, I’m not even out of the first trimester. It’s early yet. Besides, you can change the world in smaller ways.”
                “I know, Karen. It’s just so exciting. We’re going to have a baby, a little bit of you and me. And we can teach him everything we know, like poi, and reading, and sewing, and bike-riding, and playing tea party, and math, and…” I trailed off as I noticed Karen looking at me. “What?”
                “I just always knew you’d make a good father,” she replied, kissing me.

* * *

I stood by Karen in the obstetrician’s office a few months later, holding her hand as the doctor carefully inserted the needle into her swollen belly. He turned and placed the blood sample into a black box, which whirred and spit out a small white card. I squeezed Karen’s hand as the doctor handed her the card. She took a deep breath, exhaled, and flipped the card.
                Two familiar words stared back at us: IN FLAMES.

* * *

                I have to sit down at my mirror again, remembering the simple event that changed everything. I try to stop, to focus instead on performing, but the memories keep coming.

* * *
                Karen didn’t speak for the entire drive back to our small apartment. She clutched the card, occasionally glancing back to check if the words were still the same. It wasn’t until she sat down at the kitchen table that she showed any sign of life.
                “You have to stop performing.”
                I stopped where I was, standing in the middle of the small kitchen with a frying pan in one hand and a bag of frozen stir-fry in the other. She stared up at me with those pleading brown eyes I’ve never been able to say no to. But this time I couldn’t even respond. I settled for continuing to prepare dinner.
                “Connor, please. I can’t – I want to have – he has to have a father.”
                “But it’s not that you’re worried about.” The level tone of my voice surprised me. Even my hands were shaking as they opened the bag of vegetables. “You’re worried that he’ll never see the light of day.”
                She dropped the card on the table in front of her and buried her face in her hands. I couldn’t comfort her; I didn’t know how.  For a time the only sounds were the sizzling in the pan and Karen’s occasional sob. I served us two bowls and steered her into the living area, onto the couch. We ate there, in silence, leaning into one another. Dinner finished, I put the bowls in the sink and returned to her, wrapping my arms around her.
                “I can’t stop,” I whispered.
                “Stop what?” she asked quietly, though I think she knew and dreaded the answer.
                “Performing.”
                “You have a good degree. You could teach or get a job at a –”
                “But that would mean giving in.”
                “Giving in? To what, to your wife?”
                “To that goddamned slip of paper.”
                At this she sat up, looking me straight in the eye so I could understand the full extent of a mother’s love. “To the way you’re going to die. But this isn’t about you – this is about our son!”
                I couldn’t handle it anymore, couldn’t hold it in any longer. I got up and began pacing around the room. “Karen, I can’t start planning my life around this paper now! Look, we’re gonna die the way we’re gonna die, right? It doesn’t matter whether I stop spinning poi or if we avoid candles for the rest of our lives – we’re all dying in a fire.” She started to cry. I knelt at her feet, my hands on her shoulders. “Maybe it’s not the same one, maybe it is! All I know is that I’ve lived my life defying this card, challenging it. I can’t stop now. The day I let that card get the better of me is the day I stop living.”
                There was a deafening silence as she stared at me, more tears welling up in her eyes.
                “Oh, Connor, I’m just scared for him!” She dove forward into my arms, sobbing into my shoulder.
                “I know,” I breathed into her hair, “I am too.”

* * *

                I tried one last time as I left the house to convince her to go with me, but she just shook her head and stood on tiptoe to kiss me before sending me off and shutting the door. I had decided to walk the few blocks to the theatre in an effort to clear my mind.
                What am I doing? I thought. Why am I out challenging fate with a wife at home and a kid on the way?
                I studied the faces of those I passed. The man who sighed as he exited the burger restaurant with a salad – HEART ATTACK. The woman carrying her high heels, having swapped them for sneakers, and walking on the sidewalk close to the buildings – CAR CRASH. The family who drove by, car laden with suitcases, with out-of-town plates – one of them had to be a PLANE CRASH. People did sensible things to avoid tempting fate, to get the longest life they could. By eating healthy, avoiding cars and planes as much as possible, they could live long, normal lives.
                Why couldn’t I do that? It would be a simple enough thing in this day and age to avoid fire. There’s no need to take unnecessary risk.  Everything in my kitchen is electric; there’s no fireplace, no candles – my parents didn’t even let me have birthday candles on my cakes when I was young. It wouldn’t be so hard. I walked the rest of the way to the theatre, stewing over this idea, acutely aware of the metal box thumping against my leg.
               
* * *

                I break out of my reverie and steal a small peek through the curtains at the assembled crowd, letting out a low whistle. “Packed house.”
                “You never fail to bring in the crowds,” replies the theatre’s manager, Pete. “It’s why I always find a time to book you. Where’s your lovely wife?”
                I let the curtain fall back into place, and then turn to face my friend with a smile. “Oh, she’s taking a break from assisting.” I comically scoop my hands in front of my belly. “Baby on the way, you know.” How could I explain to him that she’d stayed home to ensure all three of us didn’t fall to the same fire before the baby was even born? How I wasn’t sure if she’d come around again at all?
                “Right, right. I was hoping to see her.”
                “Well, you’ll have to bring your husband back to our place for dinner sometime.”
                “Sounds good to me. You set with a different assistant?”
“I think I’m just gonna do it without her tonight.”
Pete looks at me skeptically. I smile back at him, trying to transmit more confidence than I am feeling. He responds with his own smile. “Just let me know if you need anything. But what I am standing here chatting for? You’ve got a show to put on and I’ve got fire extinguishers to find.  We’ll talk about dinner after.” He winks, claps me on the back and walks off, ordering stagehands around as he goes.
                As I go back to my dressing room it occurs to me that this is the first show Karen hasn’t attended since the one at college. Since we met. I push the thought from my mind, focusing instead on my performance, my most complicated to date. I always like to push myself, to learn new tricks and better combinations, but in the weeks since that doctor visit I’d applied myself even more to the task.
                No matter how much I focus on the patterns, the motions that usually calm my nerves, I can’t shake the creeping feeling of dread. I’m drawing close to thirty years old and still acting like a kid – playing with fire just for… what? The fun? The adrenaline rush? To give the middle finger to fate? Spinning in college was one thing, but now I’ve got more people counting on me, more people than myself to live for.
                In what seems like no time at all, a stagehand is knocking on my door, letting me know it is show time. I stand behind the curtains again, waiting for the announcer to finish his introduction.
                The curtain rise and I am blinded by the lights, but I smile and wave as the crowd erupts into cheers. I calmly untie the robe and let it fall from my shoulders, pausing momentarily before remembering and tossing it aside with a flourish. I flip open the lid of the box, normally steady hands trembling, hear again the familiar whoosh of the poi lighting, and pick up the handles. The lights dim and the crowd hushes, knowing my moment is about to begin.
                I begin to spin, slowly at first, alternating simple patterns with more complex ones, working my way up to the new routines I’d been practicing. Once the fire was twirling around me, I began to relax, calmed by the familiar rhythms. Weaves, butterflies, over my head, wrapping around, the fire spinning faster and faster, the air around me heating, the crowd alternately in amazed silence and adoring cheers – this, I take a moment to think, is why I do this. I wrap the ropes tighter around my hands and bring the poi spinning in a tight wheel between my arms in front of me, then let them loose in a wide arc around me.
I step around as I swing and the poi wrap around my arms then unwind, the momentum carrying me into the next trick. I sweep the poi around quickly then slow, stopping them for a beat – the balls of flame hover for a moment in space and time until I flick my wrists and it’s all motion again. I move to the front of the stage and dramatically sweep my arm forward, brushing one poi to the ground as the other arcs high behind me. The flames lap at the fire-proofed stage and find the channel of oil.
The crowd gasps in awe and delight as the ring of flame spreads around me. I move back to the center, still spinning. Again, I spin faster, five beat, eight beat, the poi tracing elaborate patterns in the air around me. I move to one end of the circle, twist, and leap across the circle. For a moment I’m suspended in the air, twisting in a full circle, the poi spinning around me, the flame of the circle seeming to reach out towards me. In that instant I’m reminded of demons reaching up from Hell.
I come down to the stage and feel my landing ankle give. The other foot hits but cannot stop the inevitable. My legs hit, my torso, my head.  
                Time slows down. I am aware of a searing pain in my right forearm, the growing heat of the flames, the sweat rolling down my bare back. Somewhere in the back of my head I’m trying to place the stench. The heat ripples the air around me. I am cut off, alone in this world of fire.
                Karen was right. I’m going to die, and my son will have no father. The flames seem to leap higher in agreement. The pain spreads to my hand and I feel the fire more intensely, inches from my head.
                Moments, disjointed, flash before me. My parents. Karen’s smile on our wedding day. The first time I spun. When Karen told me she was pregnant. Various shows, crowds, cheering… cheering for me… but always Karen, always us, and now the baby.
                No father. No husband. I am a fool. The oranges and reds overwhelm my vision as I feel the pain creep further up my arm. Why did I have to try?
                A new heat snaps me from my reverie as my pant leg begins to catch fire. Fire-resistant, but not fire-proof. Like me.
No. I resolve, survival instinct kicking in. Not if I can help it.
I roll to the right, tucking myself to stay inside the circle. Suddenly, I place the scent. Burning hair. I reach up with my good hand and smother the fire on what is left of my ponytail, ignoring the pain in my palm. I continue my roll and hop to my feet. I spin around, panting, to face the audience. Somehow, the showman in me kicks in as I spread my scalded arms in triumph. I bend over and pick up the handles again, the poi dangling at my sides, the popping and hissing of the flames mocking me.
Part of me registers the scorch marks on the stage as I carefully settle the poi and fall into a simple turning pattern as I collect my nerves. The crowd hardly knows how to react, until a few people begin clapping. I shake my head curtly to the hesitating stage hands, who slowly return to the wings.
I begin to wonder if I really can keep going. My hands and arm scream in pain. My ankle throbs, as do the hip and shoulder I landed on. Just when I was going to give in, I look up and see her. Through the lights, the heat, the crowd, I see my Karen, standing in the back, clapping, cheering me on. I grin, nod at the crowd and continue the show, more sure of myself than ever before. Later they would say it was my finest performance ever.
After my bows, I am rushed offstage by a medic. As she chides me about continuing the show in my state, I grab my robe and pull the card out of the pocket. Its purpose, as it always has been, is to remind me of one thing: flames will still get me in the end. That’s it – no matter how hard I try, how careful I am, I will somehow die IN FLAMES. Just as a heart attack will eventually find that man, and that woman will someday get hit by a car – I will die IN FLAMES.
                I may die by fire, but I can still control it. I can swing it around my head every time I perform and extinguish it and know that it has not gotten me that day. I practice rigorously so that I will be in complete control – so I can ensure that it will not be my spinning that causes my demise.
After the medic has properly addressed the immediate needs of my burns and wrapped my swelling ankle, I go out to the lobby, late for my usual autograph session. The gathered crowd fills the room, and there is a reverent hush when I enter, followed by a cheer. As Pete organizes the crowd filing around for autographs, pictures, even just for the opportunity to gingerly shake my injured hand, I reflect on them. The crowd really is pulling for me the whole time. Like maybe if I can control my fate, they can retain some degree of control in their own lives.
Karen squeezes through the crowd to embrace me. The pressing crowd falls back as I hold her.
“I thought I was going to lose you,” she sobs into my chest.
“Not if I can help it,” I whisper into her ear.
“I am the master of my fate / I am the captain of my soul” – it’s from the poem “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley. Of all the things I read for my English major, it remains one of my favorites. Invictus – Latin for unconquered.
That is me, IN FLAMES: unconquered.

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