Well, that was one hell of a semester. I'm sitting at my desk now with one final left to go, a couple boxes around me, a nearly-full trash can and recycling bin, and dishes to do, and it's gotten me thinking.
College is a weird point in a life to try to define "home." We're caught between the home we knew as children and the one that we've found at school, in theory as adults, though in a lot of ways we still feel like children. It's an exciting and transitional time in a life as you stretch the apron strings before leaping into the real world.
My house has one more person than it does bedrooms, so two of my siblings have to bunk when I come home. To let them have their own rooms, all of my belongings were packed up and they are now split among storage in my old closet/the eaves, my grandmother's house, and what I have here at my dorm. So all of the belongings that I live with at the moment can all fit into the back of a car. I've felt more and more like my dorm, my school with my friends, is my home more so than the place with my family that I only live three or four months of the year at.
Now this is no slight to my family - I love them to death. My dad said as I was coming home from my first year that I will never really be at home with them again - in a sense, I will always be only a visitor in their house. And I've found it to be somewhat true. I've grown during my time here, become more independent, closer to the adult I hope to be. And part of that meant getting out from under my parents' wings, which makes it hard to go back and live with them again.
But it's also hard to define college as a home when you have to pack up and leave at the end of every year. It's strange to see my life packed away into boxes. Next year I'll be in a different dorm, so this feels even more like an ending than last year. I also part from my boyfriend of seven months, who lives at the opposite end of the state. It's hard to leave this and go back to my family.
My mom told me that her ideal has always been for all of her possessions to fit into boxes in the back of a car, and she envies me this mobility. (Her dreams were dashed when my parents bought their first piece of furniture, a couch.) I'm not big on traveling though. I like to have a home, a niche, a place to put my instruments, a pillow to lay my head on at night.
A lot of this hinges on how you define home. Some people think it's a house with a family, others say that it's wherever you are. (As Captain Hammer points out, "But home is where the heart is, so your real home's in your chest.") My dad said that for him home was where his records were, making his home as mobile as he was between college and home. I realize whenever I pack that I have a lot of things, which go along with my lots of interests. Home is where my instruments, yarn, laptop, iPod is. But then again, home is people too, which is part of why my heart is torn. I leave my friends to go to my family, and then I leave my family to go to my friends. I saw a quote once that college is when you leave family to live with total strangers, and then you do the same thing again at the end of the year.
So home for me remains a very nebulously defined thing. It's where I lay my head, where my possessions are, where the people I love are. So for the next couple years, I think I will remain torn. A piece of my heart will always remain with my family, and I will always be welcome there. But part of me can't wait to start a life - and a home - of my own, though I have a few more years before I have to worry about that one.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Fasting
It's Good Friday today, and like all good Catholics between the ages of 18 and 60, I am fasting. Our definition of it is to have one small meal and two other "snacks" that together do not equal a full meal. I've seen people raise their eyebrows at that, with a "that's a pansy way to fast" sort of reaction, but it still is really difficult. We also abstain from meat, so the little food that you do have is really just enough to keep you standing.
Fasting is a very enlightening experience. It takes a great amount of willpower, especially when your meals come from a college dining hall and when you eat with friends who are not fasting. Having a meal and still being hungry when your plate is empty is a very strange experience, but also very humbling when you realize that this is what a lot of the world has to deal with everyday, and we at least have clean, safe water.
One of the most often quoted passages on fasting, and what I think of whenever I do it comes from Matthew 6:1, 16-18 :
"(But) take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.
When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites. They neglect their appearance, so that they may appear to others to be fasting. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you."
I try to keep this passage in mind throughout the day as I fast. In particular, I make it a point to never complain that I am hungry and only mention that I am fasting if pressed about the amount of food on my plate or in politely refusing offered food. It takes a surprising amount of willpower and strength to make it through the day this way.
Catholics fast as a way to bring us closer to God. We use it to mark the beginning (Ash Wednesday) and end (Good Friday) of Lent, which itself is related to the forty days that Jesus spent in the desert. It is a way for us to understand what wanting is, and drive us to help the hungry who have to live this way every day. Fasting, when done properly, can also help you focus on the spiritual rather than the physical as you turn your thoughts away from the rumblings of your stomach. Lent is a time of penance, and fasting is one of the ways we acheive that.
A short note on abstaining from meat, as I get the question often: The Catholic tradition of abstaining from meat on Fridays during Lent began as a year-round thing. Families would often splurge on meat for their Friday meal, and the original concept was to deny yourself that pleasure, having something less expensive, like fish, instead. The difference in cost would be given as alms to the poor (another tenant of the Lenten season). In a lot of ways, people have forgotten this original purpose to the tradition, but it remains an important part of our Lenten observance.
I believe fasting is an interesting way to test your willpower and feel in solidarity with the poor and hungry of the world. If we can understand and empathize with another's suffering, perhaps we can better work together to bring about a better world.
On a closing note, Good Friday is my favorite day in my religion. The idea that Christ would die for my sins is very comforting and mind-boggling in the degree of love it shows. Have a wonderful Easter. :-)
Fasting is a very enlightening experience. It takes a great amount of willpower, especially when your meals come from a college dining hall and when you eat with friends who are not fasting. Having a meal and still being hungry when your plate is empty is a very strange experience, but also very humbling when you realize that this is what a lot of the world has to deal with everyday, and we at least have clean, safe water.
One of the most often quoted passages on fasting, and what I think of whenever I do it comes from Matthew 6:1, 16-18 :
"(But) take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.
When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites. They neglect their appearance, so that they may appear to others to be fasting. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you."
I try to keep this passage in mind throughout the day as I fast. In particular, I make it a point to never complain that I am hungry and only mention that I am fasting if pressed about the amount of food on my plate or in politely refusing offered food. It takes a surprising amount of willpower and strength to make it through the day this way.
Catholics fast as a way to bring us closer to God. We use it to mark the beginning (Ash Wednesday) and end (Good Friday) of Lent, which itself is related to the forty days that Jesus spent in the desert. It is a way for us to understand what wanting is, and drive us to help the hungry who have to live this way every day. Fasting, when done properly, can also help you focus on the spiritual rather than the physical as you turn your thoughts away from the rumblings of your stomach. Lent is a time of penance, and fasting is one of the ways we acheive that.
A short note on abstaining from meat, as I get the question often: The Catholic tradition of abstaining from meat on Fridays during Lent began as a year-round thing. Families would often splurge on meat for their Friday meal, and the original concept was to deny yourself that pleasure, having something less expensive, like fish, instead. The difference in cost would be given as alms to the poor (another tenant of the Lenten season). In a lot of ways, people have forgotten this original purpose to the tradition, but it remains an important part of our Lenten observance.
I believe fasting is an interesting way to test your willpower and feel in solidarity with the poor and hungry of the world. If we can understand and empathize with another's suffering, perhaps we can better work together to bring about a better world.
On a closing note, Good Friday is my favorite day in my religion. The idea that Christ would die for my sins is very comforting and mind-boggling in the degree of love it shows. Have a wonderful Easter. :-)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
On Personal Marketing and Leadership
My parents have counseled me a lot to learn how to sell myself to people - manipulating others' opinions of me. I have worked hard to not burn bridges as I go and have developed the skill of being perfectly civil to people I absolutely can't stand.
I have always been mostly introverted and quiet. In a new situation, I like to sit in the back and watch the room for a while, sizing up everybody else and learning the ropes. When other people take leadership roles, I will quietly (though not blindly) follow them, respecting the hierarchy of authority. Because of this, I don't generally come across as someone who can lead.
On the other hand, I am a perfectionist and a control freak. Over the years I've learned to keep these enough in check so that they help me lead more than they hinder. I have gotten better about delegation, and am driven to achieve the most that I can. But I don't know how to convey this to people without being obnoxious.
In almost every leadership interview I've ever had (primarily within marching band), I've gone in with something to prove. From watching people, I tend to have a good idea of what the interviewer thinks of me coming in. Often, I have to turn that on its head: yes, I'm quiet, but I know when and how to be heard; no, you haven't noticed me, but I've given my heart and soul to this organization.
Getting passed over for positions makes me wonder what it means to be a leader and if you can ever know if you are a good one. Aristotle once said that the best leaders are those that do not wish to lead, and I have seen that to be true. Along those lines of thinking though, I do not qualify as a great leader. So what other criteria can you use?
Some people are driven to lead because they see the big picture and can engineer how things fit with each other to make a system work smoothly. Others are drawn by the promise of glory, pay raises, and the simple rush of authority. Many other people probably fall somewhere along that spectrum. It is easy for followers to tell who is leading because they love it or leading because they want to be in charge. It's a lot harder for a leader to evaluate themselves.
I've often wondered what people think of me when I'm in leadership positions. Though I set high standards and expect them to be met, I also try to be friendly and take ownership of the group. My mom once stopped me when I was talking about some freshmen in the band and pointed out that I'd referred to them as "my rookies," explaining that that's where I differ from other people as a leader. A failure in one of my followers is a failure of mine, and likewise for successes. Leaders need followers as much as followers need leaders, and that symbiosis is important for leaders to remember.
Should leaders judge themselves by their group's successes and failures? By how much their followers like them at the end of the day? By how far they can climb up the ladder? By their passion? Machiavelli famously believed that it is better to be feared than loved because people fear you on your terms but love you on their own. I'd personally rather be liked at the end of the day, but not at the cost of my principles or goals.
But back to the original topic: once you understand who you are as a leader, how do you present that to other people? I am bad at it because I don't really know how to evaluate myself as a leader, and so I can't come up with ways to sell myself to others. When composing a resume or answering strength/weakness questions in an interview, it's very hard to avoid cliches and seeming like you're bragging, but you aren't noticed if you don't brag a little, especially in a big organization. There has to be a happy medium, but I think one of the biggest factors is confidence in yourself while still having an eye towards your weaknesses. I'm still working on the former.
While I figure this out, I'll continue to put my head down and work, quietly helping where I can, and hoping that my passion and dedication speak for themselves in the end.
I have always been mostly introverted and quiet. In a new situation, I like to sit in the back and watch the room for a while, sizing up everybody else and learning the ropes. When other people take leadership roles, I will quietly (though not blindly) follow them, respecting the hierarchy of authority. Because of this, I don't generally come across as someone who can lead.
On the other hand, I am a perfectionist and a control freak. Over the years I've learned to keep these enough in check so that they help me lead more than they hinder. I have gotten better about delegation, and am driven to achieve the most that I can. But I don't know how to convey this to people without being obnoxious.
In almost every leadership interview I've ever had (primarily within marching band), I've gone in with something to prove. From watching people, I tend to have a good idea of what the interviewer thinks of me coming in. Often, I have to turn that on its head: yes, I'm quiet, but I know when and how to be heard; no, you haven't noticed me, but I've given my heart and soul to this organization.
Getting passed over for positions makes me wonder what it means to be a leader and if you can ever know if you are a good one. Aristotle once said that the best leaders are those that do not wish to lead, and I have seen that to be true. Along those lines of thinking though, I do not qualify as a great leader. So what other criteria can you use?
Some people are driven to lead because they see the big picture and can engineer how things fit with each other to make a system work smoothly. Others are drawn by the promise of glory, pay raises, and the simple rush of authority. Many other people probably fall somewhere along that spectrum. It is easy for followers to tell who is leading because they love it or leading because they want to be in charge. It's a lot harder for a leader to evaluate themselves.
I've often wondered what people think of me when I'm in leadership positions. Though I set high standards and expect them to be met, I also try to be friendly and take ownership of the group. My mom once stopped me when I was talking about some freshmen in the band and pointed out that I'd referred to them as "my rookies," explaining that that's where I differ from other people as a leader. A failure in one of my followers is a failure of mine, and likewise for successes. Leaders need followers as much as followers need leaders, and that symbiosis is important for leaders to remember.
Should leaders judge themselves by their group's successes and failures? By how much their followers like them at the end of the day? By how far they can climb up the ladder? By their passion? Machiavelli famously believed that it is better to be feared than loved because people fear you on your terms but love you on their own. I'd personally rather be liked at the end of the day, but not at the cost of my principles or goals.
But back to the original topic: once you understand who you are as a leader, how do you present that to other people? I am bad at it because I don't really know how to evaluate myself as a leader, and so I can't come up with ways to sell myself to others. When composing a resume or answering strength/weakness questions in an interview, it's very hard to avoid cliches and seeming like you're bragging, but you aren't noticed if you don't brag a little, especially in a big organization. There has to be a happy medium, but I think one of the biggest factors is confidence in yourself while still having an eye towards your weaknesses. I'm still working on the former.
While I figure this out, I'll continue to put my head down and work, quietly helping where I can, and hoping that my passion and dedication speak for themselves in the end.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Modern-day Renaissance (Wo)man
ren•ais•sance soul (rěn'ĭ-säns' sōl) - someone with many varied interests and passions
Since I decided to use this term in the heading of the blog, I figured I'd define it. I've always been frustrated with my "interest ADD" - my inability to focus on one thing long enough to become very good at it. This can be very irritating when so much emphasis is put on being the best. My dad came to me with the phrase "Life is a decathalon," explaining that you win a decathalon not by being really good at one event but by being pretty good at all of them.
Then my mom stumbled across the book The Renaissance Soul: Life design for people with too many passions to pick just one by Margaret Lobenstine. It was reassuring not only to have a better label for myself, but also to understand that there are other people out there struggling with the same things I am.
She postulates that people are on a bell curve of interests from Mozart (one lifelong interest) to Ben Franklin (many varied interests). Renaissance souls love new challenges and often rotate around many different interests. The book has helped me start to figure out how to make it all work - combining my passion for music with my love of writing and my fascination with structures and engineering. I don't know the answer yet and I imagine there will be a lot of deliberation about it over the next couple years.
I am learning to embrace my Renaissance soul. I love that I have eight musical instruments in my room right now, along with two sketchbooks, a folder full of story ideas, engineering textbooks, a pie pan, an almost-finished knitted baby blanket, and a soccer ball, among other things. I get a thrill from defying labels and being hard to put in a box.
On the other hand, our society is designed more for the Mozarts of the world. I'm trying to figure out if I should pursue engineering (which interests me, pays well, and I understand) or music education (which I have a strong passion for, doesn't pay great, and is uncharted territory). There's no straightforward answer for me. I'd like to figure out a way I can do both in some capacity. Maybe I'll switch careers at some point. Maybe I'll volunteer with bands in my free time. But it's difficult and a little scary to just leap into one not knowing where or how the other one will tie in. The big question I'll face in the next two years is what to do for grad school. In the meantime, I'll keep studying engineering and finding opportunities to help teach music. We'll see where this grand road that is life takes me.
Some days I like engineering, other days it punishes me brutally. Likewise, my muse is a flighty little thing that comes and goes, leaving me swinging from never writing or drawing to obsessing over a story or picture. Music is my main unwavering passion, but I never can decide what instrument I want to be playing. When an interest isn't currently in the spotlight, it's really hard to make myself do it, which can make homework difficult from time to time. But when one does take center stage, it captures my attention, even though it tends to be a handful of them at any given time, leaving me running in several opposite directions.
I guess in the end I need to hold on to the simple idea that life is what happens while you're out making other plans and worry a little less about the future. Hopefully this makes some sense of my rotating interests for those of you closer to Mozart's side, or maybe it resonates with any of you who may also be Renaissance souls.
Since I decided to use this term in the heading of the blog, I figured I'd define it. I've always been frustrated with my "interest ADD" - my inability to focus on one thing long enough to become very good at it. This can be very irritating when so much emphasis is put on being the best. My dad came to me with the phrase "Life is a decathalon," explaining that you win a decathalon not by being really good at one event but by being pretty good at all of them.
Then my mom stumbled across the book The Renaissance Soul: Life design for people with too many passions to pick just one by Margaret Lobenstine. It was reassuring not only to have a better label for myself, but also to understand that there are other people out there struggling with the same things I am.
She postulates that people are on a bell curve of interests from Mozart (one lifelong interest) to Ben Franklin (many varied interests). Renaissance souls love new challenges and often rotate around many different interests. The book has helped me start to figure out how to make it all work - combining my passion for music with my love of writing and my fascination with structures and engineering. I don't know the answer yet and I imagine there will be a lot of deliberation about it over the next couple years.
I am learning to embrace my Renaissance soul. I love that I have eight musical instruments in my room right now, along with two sketchbooks, a folder full of story ideas, engineering textbooks, a pie pan, an almost-finished knitted baby blanket, and a soccer ball, among other things. I get a thrill from defying labels and being hard to put in a box.
On the other hand, our society is designed more for the Mozarts of the world. I'm trying to figure out if I should pursue engineering (which interests me, pays well, and I understand) or music education (which I have a strong passion for, doesn't pay great, and is uncharted territory). There's no straightforward answer for me. I'd like to figure out a way I can do both in some capacity. Maybe I'll switch careers at some point. Maybe I'll volunteer with bands in my free time. But it's difficult and a little scary to just leap into one not knowing where or how the other one will tie in. The big question I'll face in the next two years is what to do for grad school. In the meantime, I'll keep studying engineering and finding opportunities to help teach music. We'll see where this grand road that is life takes me.
Some days I like engineering, other days it punishes me brutally. Likewise, my muse is a flighty little thing that comes and goes, leaving me swinging from never writing or drawing to obsessing over a story or picture. Music is my main unwavering passion, but I never can decide what instrument I want to be playing. When an interest isn't currently in the spotlight, it's really hard to make myself do it, which can make homework difficult from time to time. But when one does take center stage, it captures my attention, even though it tends to be a handful of them at any given time, leaving me running in several opposite directions.
I guess in the end I need to hold on to the simple idea that life is what happens while you're out making other plans and worry a little less about the future. Hopefully this makes some sense of my rotating interests for those of you closer to Mozart's side, or maybe it resonates with any of you who may also be Renaissance souls.
Oh hi
Well, hello, Internet.
I've decided to start a blog. Hopefully it will be a good way for me to vent my thoughts, ramblings, and musings, keeping my head straight without ranting to people. I figured that maybe somebody out there would enjoy some of it, perhaps even comment and start a dialogue.
No grand plans for it, no hopes of glory or even that a single person will read it. Really, it's here because it's what I need at the moment and that's what it will be as long as it amuses me.
I suppose that's enough for the first post so I can poke about and set this up. Perhaps in a day or two I'll get a real post up.
[insert cute sign-off here]
I've decided to start a blog. Hopefully it will be a good way for me to vent my thoughts, ramblings, and musings, keeping my head straight without ranting to people. I figured that maybe somebody out there would enjoy some of it, perhaps even comment and start a dialogue.
No grand plans for it, no hopes of glory or even that a single person will read it. Really, it's here because it's what I need at the moment and that's what it will be as long as it amuses me.
I suppose that's enough for the first post so I can poke about and set this up. Perhaps in a day or two I'll get a real post up.
[insert cute sign-off here]
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